Well, I have yet again have had one of these insane thoughts and somehow it came true the following night and currently has me sitting here typing well past midnight!!! Ok, yesterday I had some garbage in my house that smelled. I decided I would get rid of it the next morning. That night while I was in bed I thought – “O shit. I left the windows open. What would happen if a bear smelled the garbage and pushed a window open and wandered into my pad?” I was actually frightened by the idea and was somewhat relieved the next day to find out that my freakishly acute Spidey sense didn’t realize itself at the time. But holy crap! It happened tonight! (I did put the garbage out though…)
So I lay in bed trying to fall asleep to be up for 6:40 am to go do Spenst down in Squamish with A + Z Caldwell and some CVTCers. I was tossing and turning and knew sleep wouldn’t come for a while. Suddenly I started to hear some bumping about and scraping. I figured it was my landlord’s dog, Guinness who sleeps 4 feet away from me but on the other side of a door. The bumping and scraping happened again and it sounded like it wasn’t coming from behind the door, 4 feet away from me. The sounds were muted and muffled by my 16” fan that was whirring at my feet. So I shut it off. And lo and behold! Somebody (or something) was in my house! At first I was afraid it was a burglar so I was afraid to turn on a light or make a sound out of fear of getting shot. So I sat there hiding beneath my bed covers in the darkness of my silent room waist deep in my memory foam mattress desperately thinking of a plan of action between cerebrum-shattering heart beats that would leave my body wasted and frail in a semi-conscious state of delirium. After what seemed like an eternity I finally heard some heavy breathing and huffing. I let out a huge sigh of relief. It was only a bear on the other side of my bedroom door and not a burglar! Luckily the door that Guinness sleeps behind is also the entrance to my landlord’s residence. I crashed through the door, ambled through the narrow passage way of dog futons and cluttered “jumpers” on door hangers into the domain of PJ and Jacinta. “PJ!” I hollered. I heard a great commotion and out sprinted Jacinta from somewhere upstairs. She didn’t know where I was, so was looking in another direction before she turned to see me clothed only in boxers lurking in the shadows with an ashen face. It was the sort of thing straight out of a horror flick. She jumped right out of her shoes with a startled scream. Soon PJ was in action. He bounded down the stairs 4 at a time and you could see on his face that it was “Game Time”. He didn’t know what the whole situation was, but he had heard some banging around in my Suite. He was ready for anything. I said “There’s a bear in the house.” He almost didn’t have time to curse before he was in full flight summoning troops for the battle. A true man of action. Jacinta got on the blower and called up the Popo. PJ re-entered my bedroom armed to the teeth with flashlights. I’m pretty sure he didn’t actually say anything at the time, but I like to think to myself that at that moment I heard his Aussie accent breathe “IT’S ON BABY!!!” and the grinning, nodding look of a madman lit up his face and the glare of those piercing blue eyes... The next while is a blur for me. It was a mixture of peering through a crack in the door, waving about flashlights, running up and down stair cases and peering through the Whistler canopy from PJ and Jacinta’s deck onto their back yard where a Sumo wrestler of an Ursus americanus was munching away with its head buried in Pate’s Costco-sized whole wheat fusilli container.
Eventually the cops showed up and scared the bear up a tree where it stood hissing/huffing and groaning after hauling it’s fat bulk over such a difficult and awkward distance. The next while was a bit of a stake out as the cops just sat about chatting and the bear stayed up in the tree hissing/huffing. Eventually we heard breaking tree limbs and down came the bear. I guess the cops had left at this point cause the bear just moseyed right past us through the O’Heany’s backyard. And the cops had totally peaced. Which makes me wonder a little bit. Here there’s this bear. Under cover of darkness it opens my front door and walks through my house. Stealthily so as not to disturb me as I tried to fall asleep. It makes its way to the kitchen where it opens the fridge door with its paw, much like a human would, removes almost 2 kg of cheese and leaves the chicken and other food alone. Selective eater, I know. Before leaving he caught the scent of Pate’s newly purchased Goji berries and couldn’t resist the urge. The power-infused scent must have made him sloppy with desire, cause he smashed the breadbox to the floor, broke a plate, and then started huffing noisily as he tore open the Goji berry bag and gorged himself. I suppose after this he knew his objective for complete stealth compromised, so he began to ransack random items. He demolished a few tomatoes that were laying about, tried to bite my eLoad container in half, bit holes in Pate’s sport and recovery drink containers, and by that point I knew a bear was about. Once PJ and I were organized and had planned out our pincer movement, the bear was fleeing. Even in its haste it had time to grab the huge box of fusilli that was hidden on a bottom shelf and book it out the door.
You would think this situation would lead to the bear being destroyed or at least relocated after such incriminating evidence of break and enter. But no, the cops let it go and to this moment it is somewhere in the neighbourhood waiting for the cover of darkness to engage yet again in its illegal activity. For now on there will always be someone on night watch at me and Pate’s suite at 6424 Balsam Way.
Check out the tooth and/or clawmarks that punctured our final block of cheese. Why did we have so much cheese in our fridge? Not even the wise can answer such a question.